* Bear's Den plays quietly in the background *
Today I found out that a classmate of mine passed away. He took his life away. His name was Brent, and from what I can remember of him, he was quiet and always smiling. He was polite, and I never said more than 10 words to him. Maybe a "is anyone sitting here?" when I needed to save spots for my friends in class.
I never really knew Brent. He sat in the same row as me in my signals class, sometimes in my embedded systems class. He was in one of my labs, and I remember him apologizing for setting up a circuit incorrect. Is it weird that I can remember all this about someone I hardly knew? Would I ever thought twice about him, if he didn't pass? I don't think it has completely set in yet. I'm used to seeing his face maybe twice or three times a week. I think my body still thinks because my class is semi-large that his face will pop up once again next week. But it won't. Brent won't be there next week, or the week after that.
Death is a scary thing. Recently I've been finding myself wanting to be a kid again. I want to be lied to. I want to be naive. I want to be told that Father Christmas is real. I want to be told that everything is going to be okay. I don't want to know what it feels like to invest in relationships, or to even know what a relationship is. I want to be asked what I want to be when I grow up, and not be scared to give a stupid answer. I don't want to know how it feels like to know someone who died. I don't want to know how it feels to be hurt by people you love. I want to be young again. I want to be care free.
This isn't the case however. I know this. I'm not stupid, I'm not immature. I just want to keep my head up in the clouds just for a little while longer. I've never been to a funeral before. And I can't say I know what it feels like to lose someone really close to me. But if this is what happens in my head when someone I barely know leaves this Earth, I'm frightened to find out what happens when it's someone close to me. Do people my age even worry about things like this? I can't say I'm terribly sad, I can't say I'm terribly mournful. I don't know what I feel.
Well, I mean I do feel something alright. Kinda like someone expanded my lungs and filled them up with sand. Yeah, sort of like that. It amazes me how someone who played such a little part in my life, has made me think this much. It really does go to show you how much you affect other people. Even though we don't think about it, we do leave our mark on people, may it be a large one or a small one.
I didn't know Brent, and I didn't know Brent would make me feel this way. Rest in peace, and although I didn't know you as well as I would have liked, you've left your mark on me.