I'm turning 21 in roughly 2 hours. If someone told me at 16 that I would feel this way the night before my 21st birthday, I wouldn't know what to think. I wouldn't believe them.
I'm sitting here, in a new house that I'm trying to call home. Future Jonathan, you know what you've been through these past couple months. I'm slowly finding a routine, at least I think. I'm not completely settled, but I'm trying. I really am trying. I think that's what these couple years have been, it been a process of trying. I'm tired, and scared of what's to come.
Back to what I was saying earlier, if someone told me at 16 that I would feel this way mere hours before hitting one of the most important ages of our lives, I wouldn't believe them. The excitement, the eagerness to explore and go on, it's lacking. I'm more scared than anything. If this is what life is, then I'm not sure I'm ready. Everyone says that things get better, and that there is no other place but up. It really is hard for me to come to terms with.
I'm not going to list what's wrong with my life, when I know that there is a longer list that contains things I am happy for. I'm so blessed for such a supporting family and friend group. But what if that's not enough to cope with all of this, "funk"? And I know it should be. I have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, the opportunity to go to school and learn. But what if that doesn't excite me anymore? What if I don't want to turn 21, because that just means a whole new year full of mishaps and misfortunes.
The other day I wished I had cancer. Shorten my time on this Earth. I am by no means suicidal, but the idea of living such a long and lonely life does not appeal to me in any sort. And yes, I want to see the world, I want to experience so many things. I want to have kids, I want to get married, I want that dream like everyone secretly does. But what if that dream isn't enough?
Do you believe in after life? I believe in the conservation of energy, that energy can not be created or destroyed. I wonder what it's like having our energy converted into another form after this human experience. This curiosity gains more and more momentum after every issue in my life. I pray that it doesn't get too large, I pray.
I'm trying, believe me I am. With age comes responsibility, I get that. But how am I supposed to deal with that on top of feeling like this. This "funk", it buries into my chest. It's massful, it's heavy. It tightens my lungs, and heavies my breath. There's no running away from it. It's like it's constantly raining, and even with an umbrella, I can't get from point A to point B. Theoretically, that umbrella should block the rain, and let me get to my destination. But what if this umbrella isn't enough.
I miss my mum, I miss the idea of a person I could completely trust. Do you know what it's like to feel alone? I mean, completely alone? Under this umbrella, I see everyone else walk about with clouds clearing above their heads. I want that. I'd give anything for that. But what if I can't wait any longer? I don't want to turn 21. If turning 21 means another year of this madness, I want no part in it. I can't handle another upset. Even as I write this, I'm asking myself to just toughen up. And maybe that's it! Maybe I'm too sensitive. But really with a hard exterior and thick skin like mine, it does take a toll on my mind. I can pretend like everything is okay. I'm good at acting.
Where do I belong? What's my purpose? My life feels so insignificant, I just wish the people in it would understand that they play a great part in how I see this world. I have expectations about a world that doesn't really exist. I'm tired of talking about this. I'm not looking forward to another year, and I'm scared shitless of it. Here's to the worst. Let the mishaps be worse then the ones before, and here's to a life of dealing with this storm.
Cheers, from an older and a more tired,